A Little Nip and Tuck, Lift and Suck

Let’s talk about boobs... They come in all shapes and sizes.  But... after birthing a child and breast feeding, most come in one shape - 'tube socks with tennis balls.'  Some are not lucky enough to have the tennis ball addition and I simply call those 'fish tits.'  Bras have come a long way and manage to hide the rolled up titties and form them into two seemingly perky lumps.  But God forbid you unbuckle the beasts... next thing you know they are headed for the floor.  If you lay on your back... they are lost in your armpits.  This is unfortunate but natural.   I’m not sure which is spotted more frequently - Big Foot or perky after-baby boobies.  So that get’s me to my topic of the week and many weeks to come... plastic surgery!

I was going to share my deep thoughts, fears and inner turmoil about my body image... then I started to puke in my mouth.  Instead I’m going to stick with the raunchy, boundary-less Ashley you all know and try to love (or maybe just accept... or maybe just tolerate from time to time).  

I’m signed up!  July 26th.  Not just a little something-something, but the whole shebang of cosmetic redo.  The girlies are being lifted, one of them is a little overzealous and she needs to be reduced to match her sister.  I have to throw a ‘what the fuck’ on this one?  I considered having one augmented but that would look all fucked up to have one fake and the other natural.  They are considerably uneven.  I’ve thought of allowing the alpha booby to remain larger but she has a bad habit of yanking my V-neck shirts to one side and trying to travel out of her designated bra space.  

Next is the tummy tuck.  This one is the BITCH of the bunch.  Go ahead and YouTube “tummy tuck surgery” if you’d like to not eat for a week.  It’s horrific.  I’m sure you’re all asking, “Why do it?”  Well, I don’t know if it is genetics or one VERY large baby but I didn’t fare well with pregnancy and the endeavor tore my abs (legit fix-up needed).  Someday I’ll manage a honest T2B (reference Pathetic Little Piggies blog).  I also had a C-section.  I remember the nurse prepping me for surgery.  She said, “The scar will be so low that you’ll wear a bikini again.”  I’ll never forget that moment.  I thought, what a delusional bitch.  My stomach looks like it’s been clawed by a wild fucking animal.  This shit is nasty.  I never had a washboard stomach but the after baby image is one straight from Freddy Kruger, scars, scars and more scars.  Might I also throw in a three inch deep, horizontal, belly button.  

Giving birth, or maybe some random emotional trauma soon after, lead to my thyroid taking an extended vacation as well.   Actually, more like witness relocation.  Dunno what happened but he doesn’t seem to be coming back; I’ve exhausted most treatments and I’m unable to lose the extra inches.  Every time I get a lead as to what’s wrong with my thyroid I head into a serpentine labyrinth that begins with false hopes and ends with... well, no results.  

That segues me to liposuction.  This is one I wanted to avoid but the shit just ain’t coming off with exercise.. diet and/or starvation!  This procedure will be performed on my ‘flanks.’  (Great, now I’m a fucking piece of cheap steak.)  I do have a legitimate concern here... what happens if I gain a little weight after my midsection has been sculpted to perfection?  They say that once the fat is gone, it’s gone.  That means that the remaining fat will work overtime.  What if I gain it all in my upper back and I look like a fucking linebacker?  A linebacker with huge arms to boot!?!?!  Those of you who have ever seen me, my legs are... well great.  Not much fat there.  My one genetic blessing are these long, thin legs that lead to a “what the fuck happened?” midsection.  I will not sign up for a lifetime of tight leggings and oversized sweatshirts - my dependable fashion for the past three years.  

So, it’s time!  Time to say “fuck it!” and do something 100% for me.  Time to take a shower in natural lighting. Time to stop hating on those skinny bitches who have what I want... a fucking waistline!  I’m doing it... I heard someone say (post tummy tuck), “Who cares if it hurt?  I looked fucking awesome.”  So, I’m signing up for some serious pain... maybe even narcotics anonymous after many cocktails of painkillers but hell, I’m going to feel like a sexy bitch... something long overdue.