Pathetic Little Piggies

Games WOD #5

5 ‘cleans’ 100#

10 T2B (toes to bar) 

15 wall balls - 14#

*** Side note - T2B = hang from pull-up bar and pull feet above head to touch bar simultaneously.  Sounds easy?  You fucking try it.

As many rounds as possible in 20 minutes.

Yeah, no big deal.  Right?  This was my frame of mind prior to the 5:00 pm hour of humiliation tonight (WOD time).  I kept thinking... it’s no big deal that I’ve never managed a T2B.  Everybody makes them look easy.  Just swing and get your toes to the bar.  Piece of fucking cake.  

Well, it didn’t go down that easy.  Story of my fucking CrossFit career.  Somewhere in my (once again) delusional mind I figured T2B would miraculously come to me in my moment of elite athleticism tonight.  I watched everyone closely in the workout, as if to learn via osmosis.  I simply downloaded the material via visual aide and was set to complete at least 5 rounds in my 20 minute time allotment.

I complained myself through the warm up.  I felt like ass.  In the class of 30+ people I hear the trainer single me out - “Ashley, fucking c’mon” as I lay there lifeless on the floor.  God knows if it weren’t for my monthly membership fees that guy would be over my sorry ass.  Not a great start.

After warm up we were separated into two groups, “Games Athletes” and “pathetic, scaling, newbies.”  I WAS a Games Athlete!  I even got to stand next to the two girls who weren’t going to suck at this (Shout out to Leah and Sam).  For a moment I thought that someone might pass their eyes across me standing there and actually think I belonged.  I felt GOOD!  (Notice that there is a theme of delusions of grandeur prior to humbling... ass whooping...)

I was in the second heat.  Might I mention that the trainer started the clock when I was in the bathroom.  I’m just that fucking important that he didn’t even wait for me to take my position.  I scrambled to my bar, my scoring judge (Corin) was nowhere in sight either.  Two people obviously thought I was important enough to keep an eye on!  

The five cleans were a piece of cake because I am a burly beast in the weight lifting department (in case you were doubting).  The T2B were another story.  I hung from that fucking bar... attempting time after time... watching people in the “pathetic, scaling, new-bee” class lap me, again, and again, and again.... and again.  I tried every grip, every bend.  No matter what I did my little piggies were just too pathetic to make it over head.  Corin was kind enough to view the process from a distorted angle and counted 10 reps.  But, let’s be fucking honest... If that man doesn’t make me feel good about myself, he has a sex life to lose.  Cheating seemed inconsequential.  

I Got My Ass Kicked by AARP

Made it through games WOD #3 without severe injury.  I put that ass heavy bar overhead 11 times, to my surprise.   This takes me back to last Saturday’s WOD where I was judging the participants.  The high point for me was working with a wonderful woman named Diane.  Diane was one of the oldest contestants at 63 years.  As she lay on the ground painfully trying to manage her 80th+ plank push up I was screaming in her ear.. “BALLS out Diane!  BALLS OUT!”  Another thing I love about CrossFit - you’re never too old to have profanities yelled at you as you think you’re dying on the floor.  I might mention... Diane kicked my ass with 7+ rounds.   

This is my response to last Friday’s workout.  Since I’m a slacker... I never posted it.

Walk one mile with a minimum of 25 pounds.

Okay... have you looked at my ass lately!?!  I’m guessing that between the spare tire on my midsection, my upper arm fat and my saddle bags... I’m carrying at least an extra 40 pounds EVERYWHERE.... and there is no putting this shit down.  I’m not going to carry an additional 25 pound sandbag for another mile of my life!  I figure I should get a fucking medal for working out with the weight I already got.   I’m still trying to get rid of baby weight... my baby is soon turn seven (years).  

I did WOD #4 yesterday.  Here comes the cussing!

60 burpees

30 OHS 

10 muscles ups

Get as many ‘rounds’ as possible in ten minutes.  WTF??  Rounds... I was hoping for reps in the double digits you bastards.  How can they talk about ‘rounds’ plural?  Assholes.  That WOD was a fucking joke.  I looked at it on the website and thought.. what ass lickers, they added muscle ups.  I can’t do a muscle up!  Okay... fuck the muscle up... I never got anywhere near the muscle up portion of the WOD.   (I do need to mention that some delusional part of me foresaw a stellar performance that included my first ever muscle ups (consecutive of course).  This fantasy also involved the entire gym cheering me on and hoisting me onto their shoulders because I was the MOST talented crossfitter EVER. Like I said.. delusional).  Back to reality... my 60 burpees looked something like a failed bellyflop followed by an intoxicated moron trying to regain balance.  There were two permanent sweat outlines of my body on either side on the bar, like a bad episode of CSI (burpees had to be completed on either side of the barbell after jumping over it).  Listening to my partner, Bill, apologetically count my every rep all I could think about was giving up.  I heard Bill... “20...................... 21.”  Meantime, I perk up to hear the team next to me counting.... “45... 46....”  Hot damn... I’m really fucking slow!  By the time I jumped over that stupid, ass licking barbell 60 times I had two minutes to spare.  Now... that’s pretty pathetic.  I pulled the 90# barbell into a clean and jerked the damn thing over my head then I tried to widen my grip (clever - eh?).  I nearly dropped the damn thing on my head as I heard my partner scream “AAAhhhhhhhh!”  in response to my sloppy, near-decapitation, maneuver.

Oops!

This was my moment to shine... the moment where I would overhead squat more than ever.  I looked around the room and all the girls were managing it.. going way beyond their 60 reps.  My confidence was building!  

I’m guessing I looked something like an uncoordinated sumo wrestler; all pale, sweaty and shit-ass-beat going down for the ‘squat’ portion - I was barely holding that bar over my head.  In the end.... I went down...... and never came back up again.  I’m not sure which hit the floor first, my ass or the barbell.  The humiliation ended there.  Ended at 60 reps.  The lowest score for the day.  Fuck!

Might I mention... my partner Bill is 68.   Bill kicked my ass just like Diane... I think there’s a theme here.

Vicodin with a Vodka chaser?

Less than an hour away from my third attempt at the games WOD.  Shit balls.  I’ve decided another one of my many objectives at this CrossFit sport... aim low and you’ll likely not disappoint yourself too much.  I’m shooting for one rep in today’s challenge.  It’s a clean, squat and overhead press motion with a stupid (meaning heavy) amount of weight.  I have shit bad form which leads to lumbar crunching of my spinal column.  I’m guessing I’ll walk in about 5’10” and leave somewhere around 4’2’’.  Due to last weeks pathetic performance of 5 rounds and some change I’m sitting somewhere near DFL (dead fucking last) in the competition.  Like I said.... aim low and you’ll likely NOT disappoint yourself.  

I’ll be submitting my next post from the orthopedic ward... later tonight.