I Got My Ass Kicked by AARP

Made it through games WOD #3 without severe injury.  I put that ass heavy bar overhead 11 times, to my surprise.   This takes me back to last Saturday’s WOD where I was judging the participants.  The high point for me was working with a wonderful woman named Diane.  Diane was one of the oldest contestants at 63 years.  As she lay on the ground painfully trying to manage her 80th+ plank push up I was screaming in her ear.. “BALLS out Diane!  BALLS OUT!”  Another thing I love about CrossFit - you’re never too old to have profanities yelled at you as you think you’re dying on the floor.  I might mention... Diane kicked my ass with 7+ rounds.   

This is my response to last Friday’s workout.  Since I’m a slacker... I never posted it.

Walk one mile with a minimum of 25 pounds.

Okay... have you looked at my ass lately!?!  I’m guessing that between the spare tire on my midsection, my upper arm fat and my saddle bags... I’m carrying at least an extra 40 pounds EVERYWHERE.... and there is no putting this shit down.  I’m not going to carry an additional 25 pound sandbag for another mile of my life!  I figure I should get a fucking medal for working out with the weight I already got.   I’m still trying to get rid of baby weight... my baby is soon turn seven (years).  

I did WOD #4 yesterday.  Here comes the cussing!

60 burpees

30 OHS 

10 muscles ups

Get as many ‘rounds’ as possible in ten minutes.  WTF??  Rounds... I was hoping for reps in the double digits you bastards.  How can they talk about ‘rounds’ plural?  Assholes.  That WOD was a fucking joke.  I looked at it on the website and thought.. what ass lickers, they added muscle ups.  I can’t do a muscle up!  Okay... fuck the muscle up... I never got anywhere near the muscle up portion of the WOD.   (I do need to mention that some delusional part of me foresaw a stellar performance that included my first ever muscle ups (consecutive of course).  This fantasy also involved the entire gym cheering me on and hoisting me onto their shoulders because I was the MOST talented crossfitter EVER. Like I said.. delusional).  Back to reality... my 60 burpees looked something like a failed bellyflop followed by an intoxicated moron trying to regain balance.  There were two permanent sweat outlines of my body on either side on the bar, like a bad episode of CSI (burpees had to be completed on either side of the barbell after jumping over it).  Listening to my partner, Bill, apologetically count my every rep all I could think about was giving up.  I heard Bill... “20...................... 21.”  Meantime, I perk up to hear the team next to me counting.... “45... 46....”  Hot damn... I’m really fucking slow!  By the time I jumped over that stupid, ass licking barbell 60 times I had two minutes to spare.  Now... that’s pretty pathetic.  I pulled the 90# barbell into a clean and jerked the damn thing over my head then I tried to widen my grip (clever - eh?).  I nearly dropped the damn thing on my head as I heard my partner scream “AAAhhhhhhhh!”  in response to my sloppy, near-decapitation, maneuver.

Oops!

This was my moment to shine... the moment where I would overhead squat more than ever.  I looked around the room and all the girls were managing it.. going way beyond their 60 reps.  My confidence was building!  

I’m guessing I looked something like an uncoordinated sumo wrestler; all pale, sweaty and shit-ass-beat going down for the ‘squat’ portion - I was barely holding that bar over my head.  In the end.... I went down...... and never came back up again.  I’m not sure which hit the floor first, my ass or the barbell.  The humiliation ended there.  Ended at 60 reps.  The lowest score for the day.  Fuck!

Might I mention... my partner Bill is 68.   Bill kicked my ass just like Diane... I think there’s a theme here.